I made love with a manhugely muscled, leanthe body
I always wished for myself. He kept pulling my arms
up over my head, pinning them there, pressing me down
with his entire weight, grinding into me roughly,
but then asked, begged, in a whisper of such sweetness,
Please kiss me. Earlier that evening, he told me
he'd watched a program about lions, admired
how they took their preymenacing the herds at the water hole
before choosing the misfit, the broken one.
What surprised him was the wildebeests' calm
after the calf had been downed, how they returned to their grazing
with a dumb switching of tails. Nearby the lions looked up
from their meal, eyed the hopping storks and vultures,
before burying their faces, again, in the bloody ribs.
As a teenager, I wished to be consumed,
to be pressed into oblivion by a big forceful man.
It never happened. Instead I denied myself nourishment
each un-filled plate staring back satisfied me, deprivation
reduced to a kind of bliss I could lie down in
where I remained unmoved, untouched.
Early on I was taught that the body was a cage,
that illness was a battle fought with chaos,
the viruses themselves unnatural; that sex lived
in some pastel chamber that gave way to infants,
first cousins, the handing down of names.
No one ever mentioned being taken in the dark,
or wanting to be broken open, pushed beyond words,
tongue thickening in another human mouth,
or how a person could be humiliated and like it.
To my surprise, I found myself struggling under this man,
pushing me chest up against his chest, arms straining
against the bed, until some younger, hungrier
version of myself lay back on top of me and took it
the heaving back, the beard, the teeth at the throat.
A story: There was a cow in the road, struck by a semi
half-moon of carcass and jutting legs, eyes
already milky with dust and snow, rolled upward
as if tired of this world tilted on its side.
We drove through the pink light of the police cruiser
her broken flank blowing steam in the air.
Minutes later, a deer sprang onto the road
and we hit her, crushed her pelvisthe drama reversed,
first consequence, then actionbut the doe,
not dead, pulled herself with front legs
into the ditch. My father went to her, stunned her
with a tire iron before cutting her throat, and today I think
of the body of St. Francis in the Arizona desert,
carved from wood and laid in his casket,
lovingly dressed in red and white satin
covered in petitionsmedals, locks of hair,
photos of infants, his head lifted and stroked,
the grain of his brow kissed by the penitent.
O wooden saint, dry body. I will not be like you,
carapace. A chalky shell scooped of its life.
I will leave less than this behind.